new blog!

please go to just disneykid1.com for my new blog! xoxo. that’s where i’ll be updating.

worst day/best day.

have you ever been having the complete worst day ever? where everything goes wrong and you just want to quit everything?

and then someone that you love texts you or you get to talk to them and they say just exactly the perfect thing, and you can tell they really care, and then suddenly its the best day ever?

yeah, yeah, today was one of those days.

updating

under construction

things are moving fast!

oh wow, is it already november 4? remember some of my september posts?
it feels like those were so long ago, even though it was only two months ago, so i think ive come a long way.
back then it felt like november would never come.
but now time seems to be moving faster as things get booked up.

i’ll be wrapping up school in about a month. i wont be a student anymore! my friends will be registering for classes soon for spring semester.

i’ll be super busy the next two weeks trying to wrap things up with school, and then it’ll be time to fly out for another adventure on thanksgiving.

when i get back i’ll have three class days left. and then a week of finals, although i dont think i’ll have many.

my friends in the art department are having a going-away party for me on the last week. i will be sad to not see them anymore. ive had the same art classes with pretty much the same people the last year and a half now. but its time to move on.

my sister returns from chile on like december 11th or 12th or something, the days i finish up school.

and then possibly other things in december.
and then xmas.
and lots of moving decisions.

im so excited for it all! im excited things are happening. its going to be hard but im ready.

im happy!

yes, i do indeedy believe i am happy. im happy in the parts of my life that matter to me the most right now.
thanks for all those wonderful comments. math or not, sometimes you just gotta figure it out your own way. someone asked if i read all the comments and yes i do. i moderate them to make sure i do.

i found this video on youtube today. i was looking at hilary duff vids, which lead me to hilary duff parodies, which led me to the hills parodies, which led me to this. i laughed SO hard and i watched it several times.
you know, ive gotta be happy because if things hadnt happened how they happened i wouldnt be where i am now and looking forward towards a great future with a great person soon.
me and my friend courtney were talking the other day and she said something about how she should have gone to a different school. she was in a car accident here and it really didnt go well but she made it. but then we talked and for all we know if she’d gone elsewhere something even worse could have happened.
i think when we regret things, we look at all the good things that could have come from different decisions instead of the potentially disastrous things that happen every day that might have happened and we have no control over.
so im thankful im here and that nothing disastrous has happened. im happy i went where i went this summer. and im happy i met who i met and i love who i love. and im happy im experiencing this all now (sad times and all of it) because if i wasnt then i wouldnt have done all those things and i wouldnt have great things to look forward to.

so yes, i am happy.

"you count the centuries i blink my eyes."

today i woke up early and scrubbed the black X’s off the back of my hands.
last night was pretty fun.
me and bekah and julie went to this club. we met my friend courtney and a couple of her friends. i saw my friend robin who i hadnt seen in like a year. i really miss her!
we dressed up. i was peter pan (as usual) julie and bekah were cats and courtney was a greek goddess. i was happy that my friends were getting along.
i didnt drink. i dont really like clubs, i prefer bars. i like dancing though. i hate how people dance at clubs though. all gross and whorey. me and bekah and julie danced. we didnt dance dirty though. we danced like we were awkward preteens lol. just flailing and waving our arms. i enjoyed it, but the dj really sucked.
we went into one of the other rooms and watched a drag show they were having. it wasnt too interesting so we left. i dont remember what time we left. was it 1:30 or 2ish?
after the drive home i got to bed about 3 or 3:15.

i finished invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk today. ive only been reading it a couple days. it was really good. the first half was really depressing to me for some reason. i underlined a lot of stuff (which i do a lot when i read books). some things freaked me out and i didnt want to underline them at all. maybe i didnt want to believe them. the second half was full of one “omg” after another. you should definitely read it. but be prepared for it to be ridiculous in some parts.

today was boring. i had to work. i have to work on saturdays now with my dad to save money. i also work sundays. i dont have weekends anymore.

my dad talked to me today. he asked me if i was happy and it confused me. im not happy here. im happy when im elsewhere though. im happy im going to be doing what ive chosen for the first time in my life. but then again how can i be happy with something when i dont know what it is? sometimes im really really happy and sometimes im really really sad. my dad said some people never find happiness. and i wonder sometimes if im going to be one of those people who gives up. because i can totally envision myself doing that. or sacrificing my happiness for something else. maybe people sacrifice their happiness because it is fulfilling in some situations. i know i wont end up like that but theres always that chance. things dont turn out like you expect them to like 100% of the time. but its usually a variation of what you thought so it isnt bad, just different. and you cant really know anyhow until youre there and doing it. its just the getting there thats usually the hardest.
wow, its insane how much my life is going to change over the next three months.
and its crazier how i got so much off topic. this was just supposed to be about my day!

am i happy?
wow, i really just dont know. i dont think its a general thing. like i think you can never be 100% happy. maybe you can but i think that you are usually just happy about some things going on and sad about others. and then you determine if youre happy or not if the happy things are like 50% or more of the sum of all the emotions.
say someone is happy with like 75% of things in their life and sad about the other 25%. they might consider themselves happy.
its also a matter of how much percentage you give to certain things.
id say family can take up a big percentage. maybe 20%? school or work maybe takes up another 20%. for some reason i think relationships take up a larger amount, maybe 30%. friends might take up an extra 20%. and then maybe other things take up the remaining 10%, like location, how you feel right now, various problems.
okay, added up how much percentage im happy in all the categories (i wont tell you how much in each because i dont want to) and i came out being 57% happy. wow that seems kinds of low. school obviously got almost no percent for me lol. looking at my percents it looks like im either really happy with one category or really not happy with it. although theres a medium one or two. i added again and got 57% again. i think it should be more than that. hmmmm.
in my head i think im at least 70%-75% happy with most things. or at least 65%.

holy crap this entry went on. how did i get into math?
omg. its ending now.
pretend i never wrote any of this.

"i’ll let you feel it when my heart explodes."

blogging doesnt feel the same as it used to, if that makes any sense at all.
it seems like when i blog, i blog about the sad things, and then it makes me think more about the sad things.
and sometimes that is good because i can sort them out, but sometimes its bad because there are some things that cant be sorted out now and it just makes me dwell on them.

so lets blog about happier things!
this is probably the first time in my life i havent had a plan. and have had to put my trust completely in someone else. and in a way its very nice, even though its my nature to plan and worry. and i cant do that right now. well, i cant plan at least, but i can worry, which im getting better at not doing! but the whole not-being-able-to-know-whats-going-to-happen-ness of it, i find i just have to see all the good parts in that, like i just need to sit back and wait to see how its going to happen. i know what i want, its just a matter of waiting for it, which is totally against what ive ever thought about working really hard for something but thats bc usually i do it on my own.

ive been reading a lot. like really a lot for me. i read looking for alaska, elsewhere, chelsea handler’s book, and now im reading invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk all in the course of just two or three weeks. when i read i dont worry and it passes the time quite well.

hmmm. what else did i have to say? oh yeah, i turned in that huge research paper last night. it was nice to do that. i have a smaller paper due tomorrow. i might not do it lol.

im excited for tomorrow! i actually have halloween plans! they arent really worked out yet, but ill be doing something or another.

lets see…oh yes i got a new phone. it actually gets reception at my house. although it constantly says im roaming, which is weird. but since i dont consider this place home, i might as well be roaming anyhow.

i finally have some video ideas. like 3. i just need to find time to make them when i feel like actually making them.

i guess thats all i had to say.

xoxo.
-joe.

an intellectually stimulating txt msg convo between alycia and me.

alycia: I accidentally just watched 5 minutes of raven. Barf.

me: Stfu best show evar.

alycia: Omg. You tote wish. Suite life is WAY better.

me: I just barfed in jesus’ pants. Worst show evar.

alycia: Nothing stinks more than corey in the house. Take it back.

me: That is tote true. Corey is da worst.

an entry that is not angry. and is about voting.

i voted today! just about an hour ago actually. my state is one of the ones that has early voting. i still had to wait in line though, like 40 minutes, but it went by fast.
i voted two years ago in the state elections. it was still cool though to vote in my first presidential election. after you click “submit ballot” you get this ookie feeling.

ive got a research paper due tomorrow that ive been working on for the past couple days on and off. its actually going decently. i dont especially care about it a whole lot, but im finally into it.

im really into brandy’s single right now called “right here (departed).” i was going to embed the video but embedding for it has been disabled. i dont get that. why would an artist do that whenthey could potentially have their video on tons of website?
anyway, here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeoVHUQuzR0
i dont love-love the music video, but i think the idea in it is cool. maybe it couldve been done better.

i feel like im really just procrastinating writing all this from writing the rest of my paper.

regarding the school stuff. as weird as it sounds, i think everyone is just about over it. but i dont really know yet because i havent had a class. im sure theyll talk about it in my class this afternoon, but i think its just an old subject by now. and honestly ill be glad if it goes away.

watching the news just makes me more mad.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/10/27/arkansas.shootings/index.html

there’s a link about what happened. i dunno how accurate it is. it was bizarre hearing about it on the today show this morning. altho i didnt watch much because i cant stand it.

or you can go to my school’s website. they’re bull shitting a lot of stuff though:

http://uca.edu

i cant even stand to watch the news about it. if you search twitter people are pooing their pants about it ever 2 minutes:
http://search.twitter.com/search?q=uca

most of them are along the lines of “praying for uca students!”
i think people should have to get your permission before they pray for you because i dont want anyones prayers, period.

not to mention my school is patting themselves on the fucking backs right now because they claimed our campus took amazing action in alerting the students.
they are bullshitting themselves completely. if my friends hadnt called me i still wouldnt know about any of it.
my sister called me from fucking CHILE to tell me about it.
UCA claims they sent out phoen calls/emails/txts to alert students. i got an email, and i got it a couple hours after everything had died down.

i hate my school. and i hate that theyre lying about everything. dont believe the stuff you hear on tv about all that nonsense.
theyre simply trying to make it look like they care or that something good came from it or something.
um HELLO, dont pat yourselves on the back, bitches, two people just died on your campus. stop trying to make yourselves look good.

i think thats what is making me the most mad right now.
this and the fact that i couldve done without any of this if i had only not come this semester.

on a happier note…..
i made my first pot of coffee this morning. i took a sip and almost died. jesus how do they make it taste so good in starbucks? i made french vanilla and dumped like a gallon of that coffee mate in it and it still tastes bad. i even looked up the instructions online because the coffee maker is so confusing.
i dont know what im going to do with my day off. i guess i could swing by the bank and make a deposite. maybe go to the book store. i really just need to be working on my research paper most of the day.
sorry im ranting so much. i just dont know why im like this right now. i think it has just been the buildup of things over time and now this, and its like i had enough.

ill try to take it down a notch. i know if i were you reading this, id think i was a crazy person or a really angry person. which im not, although you have little proof against it.